It's Mah Birthday :-D
Friday, July 10, 2009 at 7:57 PM

WOOOOOOOT *celebrates*

I totally forgot to tell you guys that I was going on a mini holiday like yesterday XDDDD

I'm in London today 'cause the flight tickets I booked forever ago were non-refundable :'-D
Anywayyyy I spent the whole day visiting MJ shrines, there's a huge one at the 02 & there was another one at the Lyric theatre, I left a message at the 02 one :'-D
There was still a whole load of people coming & going, it was nice to see :-)

I also went to the wax museum & whilst I was getting my picture taken with Zac Efron (lol), the guy who was taking the pic said he could tell I was an MJ fan & then said they just got his figure in yesterday.....just in time for my B'Day :'-D So I waited in line foreverrrr & took home a really horrible pic (no srsly, I'm not even smiling on it XDDDD) of me & the MJ wax figure (in my opinion it didn't look too alike to him hahaa, still pretty schexy though & it was obvs it was MJ unlike some of the other figures who I totally did not recognize XDDDD)
I met a really awesome dude who worked there, another MJ fan who met MJ like 3 times, I was like *_____*

M'kay anyway, I'm off to Disneyland Paris tomollow YAAAYYYYY :-)

I'll post pics when I'm back next week or as soon as I figure out how to do it with mah BlackBerry :'-D
Sorry for any spelling errors XDDDD

*quietly leaves*

<3

cha'mone
MJ's Memorial
Tuesday, July 07, 2009 at 8:55 PM

Was beautiful ; _ ;
Loads of tears from me that's for sure :'-D

I love you Michael ; _____ ;

<3

cha'mone
oh lol
Friday, July 03, 2009 at 2:08 PM

I just got a full refund for everything :'-D
I didn't even get the option to exchange my VIP ticket into one of those 'special' tickets, it's probably way better this way too to be honest :'-DDDD
I can spend that money on other MJ stuff now XDDDD

I cried after the refund process ; _ ;
You'd think my tear ducts would be empty by now 8DDDD

<3

cha'mone
: 3
at 12:15 AM

Today was a surprisingly good day :'-D

I bought like a gazillion MJ t-shirts, no srsly like a GAZILLION >.>;;;;
I'll have like 2 weeks worth of MJ t-shirts hahahaaa, I'll have a nice rotation system going on XDDDD
I also bought like all the posters they're releasing a couple of days ago but they're not as pricey so that's ok :'-D
I need to open a savings account just for all the stuff they are releasing !!!!!
Oh well I guess I know what my ticket refund money will be for ; _ ;

I almost cried today on the phone asking about my MJ ticket refund, I couldn't say his name after I said I was calling about refund information.....I was like 'Hi, I'm calling about the ticket refund information for........................*tries to hold back tears*........Michael Jackson' I said his name reallllllllyyyy quietly :'-D
But the woman was super nice so it was all good ^_____^

I'm keeping my tickets though, so I won't get a full refund, only the hotel money I'll get back which is fine by me :'-D
I'm framing my tickets.....I should get 3 hopefully, since I was going to 2 of his shows ^-^
I was gonna be a VIP for the show on the 22nd of July......6th row, center ; _ ;
I got the ticket surprisingly cheap & freaked out, never told anyone 'cause after they rescheduled the opening shows I was like better not say anything at all anymore >.>;

Oh well, it'll be on my wall soon hopefully @ v @

And I'm blabbering XDDDD

Did you all see the rehearsal footage !?!?
Amazing \( * TT v TT * )/

Ok yeah I'm going now XDDDD

<3

cha'mone
Count Edgeworth
Thursday, July 02, 2009 at 2:25 PM

Photobucket

I drew this so long ago :'-D

<3

cha'mone
Getting Better, Feeling Worse, I Dunno
at 1:45 AM

I don't actually know how I feel anymore :'-D

2 days ago was my last 'official' breakdown, mainly brought on by family reactions to this whole thing >.>;
The day before that I was totally fine though, dancing along to MJ blaring out of my laptop, dancing awfully if I may add 8DDDD
Yesterday I started eating properly again which is good I guess but I was feeling down all day, now I'm sort of fine again.....ah man it's like a roller-coaster XDDDD

I hope today is gonna be a good day :-D

<3

cha'mone
You Are Not Alone
Wednesday, July 01, 2009 at 11:50 PM

Photobucket

<3

cha'mone
YAY :-D
Sunday, June 28, 2009 at 11:23 PM

MJ is No. 1 in both the singles & album charts :-DDDDD

<3

cha'mone
:-)
at 9:20 PM

I feel a bit better today :-)

Actually this morning I collapsed & was unconscious for a while & that was just before I wanted to eat something again :'-D
I managed to eat a little bit after that though :-)

<3

cha'mone
My Life.....
at 12:45 AM

This is probably going to be really long so skip it if you want.

The last two days have really made me think about my life & how much Michael meant to me. I feel now is the time to share my story.

When I was about 7 my grandfather abused me, he did things to me that no one should go through at that age, I was too young to understand what he was doing, he repeatedly told me not to tell anyone as that would 'ruin the game'. When I was older & found out about sex I finally knew what he did to me. I was disgusted, I told my family & I don't think any of them believed me, that's when I started to break.
I told my Mum & she thought the way to solve the problem was to practically lock me in a room with him so we could discuss what he did to me. I wanted my family to help me, bring him forward to the police & put him in jail for life so he can't ever do it to anyone else.
No one did this, they didn't believe me & even though they said they did I truly think they didn't, after all I was still a child & who believes kids when it could just all be 'great imagination'. I got told from some of my family members that I was imagining the whole thing or making it up, WHY THE HELL WOULD A CHILD COME UP WITH SUCH A STORY WHEN THEY DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WHAT WAS BEING DONE TO THEM !!!!!
I resented most of my family from then on & I lost faith & trust in them. I still haven't regained that all these years later.

My childhood from then on was unfixable, I kept having to think what I did to deserve this.

I was so let down by everyone, I spend everyday of my life thinking about what that guy did to me, it's something no one should ever have to think about.
I turned to drugs & alcohol, since I wasn't getting any support from my family I thought they wouldn't care about me abusing my body in such a way. I openly told them on several occasions what I was doing & they didn't seem to mind, maybe they thought it was normal teenage behaviour. I never got any help from them about my drug problem & once again I was left alone.
I became anti-social, I didn't want to spend time with people who's biggest problem in life was what salad dressing to have that night. I hated talking to people & hearing their 'problems'.

In my late teens I was no longer able to connect to adults probably because I felt left down by most of them, I wanted my childhood back, I didn't want to be an adult after what was done to me. I wanted to be a kid again so bad & reverse the events that had happened so much so that I never really grew up, I behaved like a kid, I shopped like a kid, I was & still am in denial about growing up & becoming an adult.

Now I'm almost 22, I no longer take drugs but the effects are obvious, I have practically forgotten my entire life, my memory is dead, my body shut down on me at one point (if that was the drugs or not I don't know) & I have had many problems with eating food. And even though the drugs practically erased every memory off my mind, the one memory I wanted to forget is still burned into my mind.

All other memories are practically all of Michael. I remember finding his music my only source of true happiness, when I listen to his music or watch him perform those are the only times I am able to forget about what happened. I remember watching his tours on TV all the time, I remember asking my Mum to dig out her old MJ records so I could listen to them, I remember her showing them to me & I looked at them & said that's not Michael Jackson, at that point I only ever knew him to be white, I was pretty young then so she had a difficult task telling me why he 'changed colour'. I remember Captain EO scaring the hell out of me at Disneyland, I remember sneaking to the TV at night to wait for one of his short films/videos to show on the music channels. I remember listening to the Dangerous tape in my walkman all the time, I remember trying to do the moonwalk with my brother (I'm still trying to do it now). I even remember waiting for his performance on Wetten Dass.

I now only have memories of him, I don't remember anything else, I am constantly reminded when my family talk about past events that I have lost all my memories, I never know what they are talking about. I know it's all of my own doing. I should've never taken so many drugs, I should've never been treated the way I was treated, but in the end there is nothing I can do about it now.
Just from reading my blog, I practically remember nothing from all the things I posted about my past, I don't even remember watching all those cartoons I watched, Transformers, TMNT, Power Rangers etc it's all gone. The only memories I held on to (or my brain held on to) were those of MJ, those that made me truly happy & forget about everything.

Michael was my only link to a happy childhood, he was my only link to true happiness & now he's gone.
His passing has left me in complete devastation, I feel alone & I feel lost.
When I finally fell asleep that night I did not want to wake up ever again.
The first day after his death all I could do is cry, I was so horrified about what happened I was in physical pain. I went to church to pray for him, I broke down at the church, I broke down just before, I broke down after. I just kept breaking down all day.
Yesterday I put on a happy face & pretended to be fine, I keep telling everyone I'm ok but I am not, I am broken, I feel like an empty shell, I feel lifeless.
I haven't eaten since the news because I feel so physically sick. I am trying to be strong & get through this but I fear, actually I know I never will. If I ever even try to get over this, it means all hopes for me to have a happy childhood are gone. I don't think people understand how much childhood means to someone who never had one (I connected even more to MJ once I found out about his childhood).
These days it is becoming obvious to me that I cannot understand adults, I can't connect to them at all & I feel more connected to children as they have the same state of mind as me but for obvious reasons I'm not about to start hanging out with young kids, that is why I am now alone. I am trying to hold on to a past I never even had & even though I know that I will never be able to relive my childhood I refuse to admit it, I refuse to give up & grow up, I will never understand why I didn't get the childhood that all of my friends got.
I will never understand why the man who ruined my life is still alive & the man who saved my life has passed away.
My only light through the shadows of my life is gone, I feel I am gone.

As I didn't mention him a lot (if they don't care about what my Grandfather did to me & they don't care about my drug addiction then why would they care about me liking MJ, I kept my reason for my happiness to myself in fear of that too being damaged) most of my family have already told me to 'get over it'. They have no idea & don't seem to care how bad this has affected me, they have let me down again.
I will keep telling my family & friends that I am fine, I feel they will never truly understand how much Michael meant to me & how much he has helped me live on in my life.

<3

P.S. It's good to see so many people paying tribute to him now, I have re-bought his music to help him get to Number 1 one more time :-)

Michael, you will live on forever, you will forever be my happiness.
I feel honoured to have been on this Earth at the same time as you, I love you :-)

cha'mone
.....
Friday, June 26, 2009 at 2:24 AM

Every time I think the news is sinking in I have another breakdown, I've been watching the news for almost 5 hours now crying in total devastation.
I don't care what people think, Michael meant everything to me & now he's gone.

I don't really know how to cope with this all.

< / 3

cha'mone